Aging...

I went to visit my elderly friend in the re-hab place down the road this morning. I saw many people, leaning here and there, staring into nowhere, sitting in chairs watching tv., living life in tiny increments, even that burdensome.

I wonder sometimes what sort of old lady I am going to be. I have mental images of my being an artsy, relaxed old woman, marked with wisdom and grace. I like to hold that thought of me, having had some time to be myself, and grow deeply into the best parts of who I am. I wonder if I will be partnered or not, or if my lifepartner would pass before me, leaving me to die alone.

I often hear from people that they are afraid to die alone. That does not bother me so very much. I think it will be an amazing journey, and I might prefer to be alone with my passing to enjoy it most fully without having to make it better for those around me.

What scares me is being in fear and pain alone. What terrifies me is being abandoned by people who are my tribe and family. What makes me the most sad is the possibility that I will be stuck, like those men and women I saw this morning, in some half-way place between being alive and being dead, with strangers around them.

I would rather be put out on an ice flow and sent down river.